Idiot's Guide, How To: Bump Start the Enterprise
by Rufwardo
Summary: Well the title says it all really. WARNING: Unadulterated silliness.
1. Evil plot bunnies strike again!

Idiot's Guide, How To: Bump Start The Enterprise NX – 01

Disclaimer: Not maine. I just borrow them, run them round feilds in the rain and put them back again. Honest!  
A/N: As promised, the humour returns! I blame this on my dad, all the detail on how to bump start an space ship is his fault. :P

* * *

'Not again!' Archer exclaimed form his seat on the bridge. 'Trip, this is the 3rd time this week!' Once again, Enterprise was dead in the water. Impulse engines were dead and the warp drive wouldn't engage.

'You know, you could alway try to bump start it.' A disembodied voice suggested from somewhere near the ceiling.

'Who said that?' cried Archer, jumping from his chair. 'T'Pol, if this is another one of your jokes!'

'I assure you Captain, this is nothing to do with me.'

'Look, I'm right here!' The voice said, sounding a little annoyed.

'Where? Who are you?' Archer looked around in confusion.

'Right here!' Suddenly a young woman dressed in tattered jeans and an Ireland rugby shirt appeared in the Sit. Room. 'Y'know, I woulda thought, being the authour an' all, that manifesting myself within the story would be easier than this!'

'Who are you?'

'Didn't you hear me? I'm the authour. Jeez! Characters these days.'

'So it's your fault the engines keep stopping?'

'No, that's not me. I blame it on Shrekster, nothing to do with me. I can't help it if she enjoys making Trip crawl into tight spaces to fix things. Not that I blame her... Anyway, about getting you going again. I think you should just bump start the impulse drive.'

'Why are you here anyway?' Travis finally spoke.

'You speak?'

'Only when someone else is writting, I don't think Berman and Braga like me that much.'

'Oh. Anyway, I'm here to get you guys going again. It no fun writting about you all sitting in space doing nothing, counting space dust.'

'So you're just gonna show up, bump start the ship and go back to writting about us getting hurt?' Archer asked, sounding more than a little annoyed.

'No, no, no! I keep telling people, that was not my fault! I can't help it if I get inspired by evil plot bunnies and TV advertising. I ressurected him again anyway! See!' She pointed widly at Reed.

'Ok, OK, calm down. So, how do we bump start the ship?'


	2. Space Invaders

'OK, OK, calm down. So, how do we bump start the ship?'

'All this technology and you can't do a simple bump start!'

'Nope!' Trip called cheerfully from the turbo lift.

'How'd you get here? I thought you were in Engineering.' Archer sounded majorly confused until muted giggling brought his attention back to the itinerant author on his bridge. 'I take it this was your doing?'

'Well if I'm gonna get this ship going again I need the Chief Engineer don't I?'

'Good point, so what do we do?'

'OK, well to start with, you have got to disengage the warp drive. Don't want you suddenly leaping into Warp 4 and leaving stuff behind!'

'Done' Travis, eager to get back into the story, called over his shoulder whilst playing Space Invaders on the view screen.

'Hey! He's beaten my high score!' Malcolm ran back to his station and soon the sound of aliens being blow up was heard all over the bridge as Malcolm and Travis began competing for the High Score.

'Maybe we should move down to Engineering, it might be quieter there.'

'Good idea.' Archer, Trip and the random author left the bridge as T'Pol and Hoshi, not to be out done, started a knitting competition. On the way down in the turbo lifts, Archer once again asked what to do.

'Well next we need to go get some highly volatile fuel to prime the engines with. I know just the thing.'

In the galley...

'You want what?' Chef was beside himself. Not literally of course. This author draws the line and body doubles.

'Vodka. Gotta get those engines started Chef! You wouldn't want to be responsible for everyone being stuck here, would you?'

'I suppose not.' With a sigh, Chef handed over12 bottlesof Russia's finest Vodka.

* * *

A/N: You made it this far? Wow. Well the story continues, be brave! reviews always welcome.


	3. The Lord of the Hairdryers?

'So we've got the Vodka in the Impulse engine. What now?' Archer had to shout to be heard over the sound of the engineering crew playing 'Bogies' to pass the time.

'Ummm. Now we need hairdryers. Lots of hairdryers. Note to self: Never let crew get so bored they resort to playing Bogies.'

'Hairdryers? What for?'

'Did someone say hairdryers? You're not getting mine!' Trip was suddenly alert, ready to pounce on anyone who might try to steal his precious hairdryer.

'Trip, I'm sorry but we need all the hairdryers we can get, this impulse engine ain't gonna work if it's cold!' Random Author stepped forward.

'Give me the hairdryer Trip.'

'No! It's mine! My precioussssssssss!'

'Wrong story! Now hand over that hairdryer!' Trip backed away, only to walk into a wall of engineers.

'Noooo! Not my hairdryer! Please, anything but that!' Random Author paused.

'Anything?'

'Anything.' Random thought for a moment then said... 'I suppose one hairdryer won't make all that much difference. You can keep yours.'

'Thank you! Thank you!' Trip curled into a ball and sat rocking his hairdryer.

'All right, all of you. You need to scour this ship. I want every hairdryer onboard down here and warming that engine!' Archer set the engineers to work before gently rolling Trip into a corner out of the way.

Much later... Shouting to be heard over the roar of 86 hairdryers, Archer turned to Random.

'What now?'

'Now we launch shuttle pods 1 and 2. Oh and we'll need about 200 bed sheets.'

'Bed sheets?'

'Trust me, I'm The Author.' With that Random grinned and vanished back into reality.

'I wish she wouldn't keep doing that! Bed sheets?' Archer turned and nearly fell over Trip who'd crawled out of the corner and was trying to liberate one of the hairdryers. 'Leave those alone! You've got your own!'

'Awwwwwwwww!' Trip stuck his tongue out and went back to his corner.


	4. Yellow alien blobs of doom!

'Hi guys! I'm back' Random Author stepped out of reality onto the bridge.

'About time! You have no idea how hard it is to get 200 bed sheets!' Archer could just be heard from beneath the pile. You wouldn't of thought that 200 sheets would fit on the bridge but somehow he managed it.

'So, now you need to knot them all together into 2 giant tow ropes, each 100 sheets long.'

'Tow ropes! But you could have just asked for some cable! We do have that somewhere ya know.' It was hard to hear Travis from beneath all those sheets, but the sarcasm came through loud and clear.

'What ever! Just get knotting!' Once again Random disappeared back into reality to do some actual work.

'Hey! I REALLY wish she wouldn't keep doing that!' With that Archer set the crew to work knotting the bed sheets and took Porthos for a walk round the ship, muttering about cheese.

Several hours later... 'IIIIIIIIIIIIII'm baaack!' Trip jumped, cradling his hairdryer as Random appeared behind him.

'You can't have it!'

'I already told you, I don't want your hairdryer, anyway, what are you doing here? I thought I'd given you to Shrekster to play with.'

'I ran away, she kept making me crawl into small spaces and run around in the rain. I think I caught a cold. Aaaachoooo!'

'Did you say a cold?' Phlox appeared as if by magic.

'No! Aaachoo!' Trip sneezed again.

'You have a cold! Yippee! I've been dying to try out my new electromagnetic jellyfish! Down to sickbay with you! Go on. Can't have you infecting the rest of the crew.' Saying this, Phlox grabbed Trip by the collar and dragged him kicking and screaming off to Sickbay.

'So Captain, got those tow ropes sorted?' Apearing behind Archer, Random made everyone on the Bridge jump, including Porthos (although he was begging for cheese, not suprised)

'Ummm yeah. Gimme a minute would ya?' He turned back to the game only to realise that he had just been eaten by a large yellow alien blob. 'Aww damn it! I was just about to beat Malcolm's high score!'

'Sorry.' Random grinned, not sorry at all. 'So the tow ropes?'

'Oh yeah. They're on the floor in storage bay 3.'

'Good good! Now you gotta tie them to shuttle pods and start towing.'

'That it?'

'Not really but it's a start! Ciao!' She vanished again.

'Why does she always do that?'

* * *

A/N: You made it all the way to chapter 4! Congratulations. Have a cookie! TBC.


	5. Small purple fanfic author

'So? Have you done it yet?'

'Wha?' Jumping, Archer turned to find Random back on Enterprise. 'Why do you always do that!'

'Do what?' Random looked at him with a faux-innocent expression.

'Appear right behind me. You always do it! It's really getting on my nerves.'

'Oh. I find it amusing.'

'Well stop it!'

'You can't make me!'

'Oh yeah?'

'Yeah'

'And just why not?'

'Cos I'm the author. You mess with me and I'll make sure you spend the next 3 months trapped on some god-forsaken planet in the middle of no where. Now, have you tied the ship to the shuttles?'

'Yes.' Archer sounded distinctly grumpy. Random did a small victory dance and started issuing instructions for what to do next.

Several hours later...

'And if that doesn't work you'll have to start all over again. If it still doesn't work you'll have to just send out and all frequencies broadcast asking for a lift home. If you're really lucky a Vulcan ship'll stop and give you a hand.'

'Couldn't ya just write in that the engines miraculously fix themselves and we go merrily on our way?'

'Trip, if I could do that, d'ya think I'd still be here telling ya' how to do a bump start?' Random looked at him.

'Prolly not.'

'Exactly! So? You got all of that? Can I go and tell Shrekster to quit writing stories where you guys break down now?'

'Please.'

'Well, have fun!' Random vanished off into another part of the ENT universe where a small purple fanfic author was watching in horror as her original characters were all killed in a horrible battle before ever meeting the crew.

'Y'know, that's the 4th time that's happened since Shrekster started delaying them with all those break downs?'

'Really? This is terrible! Was that your love interest for Malcolm who was crushed by a falling cat?' Looking up, the small purple author (who shall remain nameless, she can prolly guess who she is, I hope!) noticed her last remaining OC get crushed and let out a terrifying battle cry.

'She must be stopped!' The small purple fanfic author lept to her feet. 'Will you join me?'

'Of course! This senseless killing must be stopped. OC's cannot die unless there's someone from the crew to mourn for them! Or at least they must die saving the ship! To war!'

* * *

A/N: Well this is random! Not sure what's actually going on here. If you have any idea at all please email me or drop in a review. Safe travels my friends and I'll see you all next time on...The Idiot's Guide!


	6. On the prowl panto style

'Are we nearly there yet?' Random and the small purple fanfic author had been hunting for Shrekster for almost a week and the small purple fanfic author was getting bored.

'No. We have another 3 light-years to go before we get to her part of the universe, you know that!'

'Yeah but I'm booooooored! This shuttle's boooooring' Random pulled a face at small purple fanfic author.

'Get over it. Wonder how they're doing on Enterprise. I'll be right back!'

'Hey! Wait! Where are you going? Don't leave me here!' It was too late. Random disappeared off into the ENT universe in search of the good ship Enterprise.

'Hi there John!' Random appeared behind the captain, making him jump. She _really_ loved doing that!

'Would you quit it!'

'Quit what?'

'You know what!'

'Oh fine.' Random sighed. 'You're such a spoilsport Jon.' Looking out the window she noticed the stars were once again whizzing past. 'You got going again then?'

'Yes. Had to take the sheets down to Laundry, they were _covered_ in space dust!'

'Oh?' Random tried to look innocent. She failed.

'You're enjoying this, aren't you?'

'Me? No! Course not! Well glad to see you're moving again. Gotta go! Bye!' Random vanished again.

'I really wish she'd just use the door like a normal person.' Archer muttered as he headed back to Porthos with a plate of cheese.

'It's OK!' Random smirked as the small purple author jumped. 'Enterprise is going again! The OC's are saved!'

'That doesn't solve the problem though. Shrekster is just gonna do it again, you know how much she loves making Trip crawl into small spaces!'

'True. You can't blame her for that though can you?'

'No.' The two authors drifted off into little mini-universes. They snapped back to awareness when the small purple fanfic author shorted out a control panel with her drool.

'Damn! Now we'll have to fix it!'

'Oh no you won't!' Shrekster appeared on the shuttle.

'Oh yes we will!' Random and small purple fanfic author chorused back.

'Oh no you won't! I can fix it no problem.'

'Oh no you can't!'

'Oh yes I can!'

* * *

A/N: Will the pantomime continue? Has the author lost her mind? Tune in next time to find out on...The Idiot's Guide!


	7. Total Insanity

'Wait a minute! I know you! You're Shrekster! We've got a bone ta pick with you!' Random leapt toward Shrekster and ,because this is her story and she can mostly do what she likes, pinned her to the deck.

'Hey! What'd I do?'

'You killed my OC's' Small purple fanfic author jumped forward to attack Shrekster. Random held her back but in doing so let go of Shrekster, who darted away to hide in a corner.

'Please come outta there! I put my stash of congratulatory cookies in there!' Random began to cry as she imagined the fate of her poor cookies. What would her readers do now? She was doomed!

'There, there.' A disembodied voice from near the ceiling tried to concole the poor, doomed author. 'At least you saved Enterprise from floating in space and several OC's will survive because of you.'

'Who are you?'

'I'm the narrator!'

'There's a narrator?'

'Of course. Who'd you think did all the written bits between your dialogue?'

'Oh.'

'Yeah. So anyway, why are we all still here? The Enterprise is on the move again. OC's have been saved. Don't you have coursework to do?'

'Oh my GOD! The narrator is my mother! Run for your lives!' Random lost her head completely and sat in a corner gibbering. She then realised she'd sat on what was left of her cookies and fell slowly into madness. Feeling sorry for her, Shrekster and thesmall purple fanfic author gave up their writting and cared for her in the 'Home for Insane Fanfiction Authors' on Betelguse. All OC's were safe from Shrekster's sabotageand for X-mas Trip recieved an email entitled: The Idiot's Guide to Bump Starting a Spaceship.

They never had engine trouble again.

THE END

* * *

A/N: Wow! You made it to the end! I would give you a cookie but Shrekster sat on them. If you want to visit me in the Home for Insane fanfiction Authors then I'm in room no. 26 on the 2nd floor. Thank you and goodnight!


End file.
